I can't watch pbs sober anymore
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
