Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
