I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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