Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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