just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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