Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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