some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
