so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
