Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize