Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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