how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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