I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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