The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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