he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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