So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
