Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
