Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
