Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
