Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
