pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
