he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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