this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Come share oat with me in your robe
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
