I got chris browned last night
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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