The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
