I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
