She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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