Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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