i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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