What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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