There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
