i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
