by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
