Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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