i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize