Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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