I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
