Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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