to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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