I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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