My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
