I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Green mimosas i think yes
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
