I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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