genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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