I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
