I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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