You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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