If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
