you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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