A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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