the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
