You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You may now shotgun with the bride
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize