"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
