and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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