I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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