I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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