wakey wakey hands off snakey
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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