well I can't set my house on fire every night
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
