I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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