the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
