I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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