Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
