you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
