The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I love you. Go after that dick
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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