he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
how does that bad decision feel?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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