Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
