A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
